New Passenger Rules From United Airlines

Good morning, this is your Captain speaking.

We’ve come in for some criticism lately here at United after a minor incident involving a non-compliant passenger who was violently dragged off an overbooked flight or, as our CEO clearly explained, “re-accommodated.” This criticism is unfortunate. Therefore, to minimize passenger dragging and bloodshed moving forward we’re determined to make our policies clear to all passengers prior to takeoff.

First off: Please put all seats and tray-tables into the upright position. Any passengers failing to do so will be immediately re-accommodated into the animal cages in the cargo hold.

Please note that there is absolutely no smoking aboard this aircraft. That includes the bathrooms and the same warning applies. So unless you enjoy near freezing temperatures and German Shepherd farts we encourage you to observe the non-smoking signs.

The featured in-flight movie aboard this aircraft will be a bland romantic comedy starring some combination of actors named Jennifer, Matthew, Owen, and Reese. Those passengers who would rather watch something else or simply sleep may do so, however, be advised that at any time you may be physically seized and re-accommodated into an overhead compartment by our cabin crew members Knuckles and Spike for acting superior to the average movie-watching American.

Now let’s get to the perks!

After takeoff complimentary peanuts will be served. All passengers are expected to eat their bags of peanuts, which contain seven individual shelled nuts, unless they have notified United in writing of a deadly peanut allergy in advance. Mild to severe, but non-life-threatening, peanut allergies will not be considered. If a passenger alerts cabin crew during our flight that they have a deadly peanut allergy and therefore refuse to eat the delicious dry-roasted peanuts provided this will be deemed non-compliance and the passenger will be force-fed the seven complimentary nuts using a feeding tube similar to those used to turn non-compliant ducks into foie gras. If you’d like to help your neighbor enjoy their complimentary peanuts against their will, the force-feeding tubes are located under the seat in front of you.

To increase air speed and ensure that we arrive at our destination on time, once we reach our cruising altitude of 40,000 feet a computer program will randomly select four passengers to be re-accommodated somewhere over the Atlantic. No hints from me exactly where these passengers will be leaving us to plummet through the friendly skies but let’s just say it rhymes with “Niceland!” On behalf of United Airlines allow me to wish you a safe and pleasant landing in the icy waters below and hopefully not on some rocky crag.

Alright, that’s all from me folks! Cabin crew, please prepare for takeoff. It’s a lovely day out there and we expect little to no turbulence. The current temperature is 74 degrees and if you look out your window you’ll notice our windows are now 30% smaller. Furthermore no water or beverages of any kind will be served aboard this flight.

We dare you to complain.